"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" - Eleanor Roosevelt
What is self-esteem?
It's your self-image, or how you feel about yourself. Your self-esteem is made up of thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. These may be:
Positive
For example:
• I'm good-looking
• I'm smart
• I learn from my mistakes
• I'm fun
Negative
For example
• I'm ugly
• I'm stupid
• I'm afraid to fail
• I'm boring
The more positive feelings you have about yourself the higher your self-esteem. The more negative feelings you have about yourself, the lower your self-esteem. Some feelings you have about yourself may be difficult to express or explain. That's because you're a unique individual - there's no one else in the world like you. That's reason enough to be proud!
Why should I think about my self-esteem?
Because self -esteem affects the way you live:
High self-esteem can make you feel:
• effective
• productive
• capable
• loveable
Low self-esteem can make you feel:
• ineffective
• worthless
• incompetent
• unloved
Self esteem can be improved. Don't let past failures hold you back. You owe it to yourself to learn to feel good about whom you are!
Some factors that influence your self-esteem. Your level of self-esteem is based on the unique experiences and personal relationships that have made up your life. We cannot change the nature of these experiences of the past. However it is important to know that we are not born to have poor self-esteem. We learned through these experiences and the messages that accompanied them to have poor self esteem. In the same way, if we feel good about ourselves, it is because we learned to be that way. Our self esteem is influenced by various experiences and the underlying emotional messages that we internalized and learned. Some of the experiences include:
At home:
• relationship with your partner, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc.
• experiences with family from birth right up to the present
In your social life:
• relationships with childhood and adult friends, neighbors, boyfriends and girlfriends
• experiences with clubs, sports teams and hobbies
In school:
• relationships with classmates, teachers, administrators and counselors
• experiences with schoolwork, extracurricular activities, sports, discipline, etc.
On the job:
• relationships with supervisors, co-workers, employees
• experiences with hirings, firings, promotions and levels of job responsibility, as well as your ability to support your yourself and your family.
In society:
• relationships with members of different cultures, races and religions
• experiences with standards and images created by others (i.e., TV, movies and other media)
In general, positive experiences and fulfilling relationships help raise self esteem. Negative experiences and troubled relationships tend to lower self-esteem. No single event or person can determine your level of self-esteem. It develops over time, constantly changing with experience.
If you have a history of poor self esteem, once again keep in mind that how you feel about yourself is based on learned thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
In the process of psychotherapy, you can look carefully at the negative experiences and thoughts learned from the past and you can learn new perceptions and behavior. You can learn to be more comfortable and open about yourself resulting in closer relationships. You will learn to not be afraid to develop your abilities. You will be willing to risk trying new things. If you don't try, you can't grow. You will learn to have more confidence. Believing you can do something is half the battle. It allows you to involve yourself completely with whatever you are doing. Whole hearted effort helps to bring improvement to performance, resulting in further increases in self esteem. Change isn't easy. It's unfamiliar and frightening at times. Personal growth is not painless. However with continued effort, you can transform yourself into someone who values and accepts yourself.
With high self esteem, you can:
• be the person you want to be
• enjoy others more fully
• offer more of yourself to the world
Some common effects of low self-esteem create a negative cycle:
Lack of confidence - People with low self esteem often have little faith in their abilities. They may think they're doomed to fail again because they failed before.
Poor performance - Lack of confidence may result in making little or no effort toward realizing projects or goals. But failures that result from a lack of effort are not a true reflection of a person's abilities.
Distorted view of self and others - Some people won't give themselves credit for their accomplishments. These people may think that others look better in comparison. They may also believe that things just happen to them - that they don't MAKE them happen.
Unhappy personal life
Negative people aren't fun to be around. People with low self esteem find it hard to develop close relationships. The result may be a lonesome and unhappy life.
But the cycle can be broken by taking positive steps to raise your self-esteem.
Psychotherapy and counseling are great resources in helping individuals develop high self esteem. In this process, people learn to:
1) identify and accept your strengths and weaknesses - everyone has them
2) feel encouragement by taking a "can-do" attitude and to set a reasonable timetable for personal goals.
3) take pride in your accomplishments, both great and small. Enjoy them!
4) set realistic goals and to meet them by learning new skills and developing your abilities.
5) take timeout regularly to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Get involved in activities you can enjoy by yourself.
6) pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and to act on what you think is right for you. Do what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
7) feel self respect. Don't try to be someone else. Be proud of who you are. Explore and appreciate your own special talents.
8) love the unique person you are and to accept and learn from your mistakes. You will also learn to not overreact to errors. Accept your successes and failures - those who love you do.
Questions and Answers:
Is it easy to change self esteem?
No. It means taking a hard look at yourself, then changing the things you don't like. This takes time, but the results will be well worth the effort. If you have tried but aren't making any progress, then this is more reason to seek help from a therapist who has years of experience working with those suffering from low self-esteem.
Does high-self esteem guarantee success?
No, but it does guarantee feeling good about yourself and others - no matter what happens.
Does high self-esteem mean self-centeredness?
No. It's not egotism or snobbishness. These are usually false fronts for feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. Having high self-esteem is appreciating your uniqueness so you can respond to others in positive and productive ways.
If you have low self-esteem, you are not alone. You can learn to have positive and high self esteem. Psychotherapy is an excellent way to achieve this goal. You can do it. Your do have the courage. Be proactive!
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Ron Rice, PHD • Licensed Psychologist • (248) 626-2056 • 32910 W. 13 Mile Road, Suite D-402 • Farmington Hills, MI 48334-1980